Just thinking
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Thoughts to Ponder
Well, I sure fell down on this in a short period of time. What do I write? I am drawn to say that It is almost time for school to start again. I am in line to get this job that will help me out and posibly set the path underway to self dependence. I am excited. It will be nice to do something other than watch kids. I love kids, but I am beginning to feel like my whole life centers around my own and others kids. I am excited about being around other adults lol. Hopefully all goes well and I can start within a week two at most. Things withe Kristopher's blood sugar seems to be leveling back out, so that is a plus. I am getting more sleep and feeling better. It seems there might actually be a light at the end of this tunnel still. I still miss a particular friendship lost, but I trust that what is meant to be will be. Hopefully if you ever read this you will know that even though I have understood and given you your space -- I still wish you the best.

I think that this is the best time to say that I am goign to explore the notion that life is truly as happy as you make it. I will report back on my findings as time goes by. I have decided to let go of some baggage as a start. I sure feel better already even with the little that is done.

so to anyone reading this -- live happy, and smile, and find a way to love along the way.

Will write again soon.

Holding On
Mood:  blue
Topic: Thoughts to Ponder
Just a poem tha reflects my thoughts today. Ones that I thought were gone and dealt with. Obviously not.

Holding on so tightly that I can't let go,
A memory without you I don't want to know.
For so long you have exsisted within my heart,
To go on without you now I don't want to start.
You held my hand and guided me through,
Never letting go as if you knew.
You loved the good and the bad even more,
I wish I knew what life has in store.
My heart it pines and reaches for you still,
And emptiness remains that only you can fill.
I'll wait for you as you explore your space,
But in my heart you'll always have a place.
Silently I will remain here until time is gone,
And to our memories I will be holding on.

Happiness
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Thoughts to Ponder
I think that it is normal for us as humans to wonder if we are truly happy? I mean what is happy? Is it a destination that we have dreamed about our whole life? Is it a fantasy of our own creation as to what we should have in life? Is it a feeling? Is it an accomplishment? What is happy? This is what Webster's define happy as:
1 : favored by luck or fortune 2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted 3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment b : expressing or suggestive of happiness c : glad, pleased d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship 4 a : characterized by a dazed irresponsible state b : impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something c : enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession

So wouldnt' the answer to my above questions be, "Yes happiness is all of those things."? I have wondered through my whole life if I was happy? I still am unsure. I was speaking with a special friend and made the comment 'I am ready to give up and give into the fact that this is as good as it gets.' His response hit hard and made me take a second look at things. He simply said 'Hey, it's as good as you make it.'

Hmmmmmm, so I am as happy as I allow myself to be through my own actions and decisions? Interesting. I started thinking about how my actions and decisions got me to where I am today. I see the truth in his simple statement, way too clearly. But the part I don't get is this: Now that I know how I got here what do I do with it to change it and turn things around, now that it is not only my life but also two innocent boys that my choices will affect? We are so quick to say that what this person or that said or did in our life makes us unhappy, or how this situation or that makes us unhappy-- but how often do we say, this choice that I made makes me unhappy? Honestly I never did, until now. I see all of my mistakes from the past and the present. I just have so many things , that it is overwhelming how to deal with them all to balance out my future in a positive manner.

So what I am leaving as a thought to ponder is: What is happiness to you? How have your past decisions impacted your ability or lack thereof to accomplish that happiness? And what can you do different now to change that path, and get you on your way to true happiness?

hmmmmm
Mood:  lyrical
Well I finally got one of these set up. I have no clue what to say at the moment but Iwill be back when I figure that out. Right now it is lunchtime and I have 3 kids here ready to start pounding forks in spoons on th etable and chant " We want food!! We want food!!" so guess it is in my best interest to go get them some food hehe .